I went to the bank and went over my savings. I found out I have all the money that I’ll ever need, if I die tomorrow. – Henny Youngman

I was a teacher for awhile, but now I’m a full-time stay-at-home dad. I’m not ashamed of it; a lot of guys do it. The only difference between me and them is, I don’t have any kids. – Tony Deyo

My father says, “Marry a girl who has the same beliefs as the family.” I said, “Dad, why would I want a girl who thinks I’m a schmuck?” – Adam Sandler

After seven years of marriage, I’m sure of two things: first, never wallpaper together; and second, you’ll need two bathrooms, both for her. – Dennis Miller

I have trouble telling women my feelings. I think it goes back to the first time I told my mom I loved her. I said, “I love you, Mommy.” And she said, “Slow down, I’m not ready for that kind of commitment. You’re going way too fast.” – Mike Rubin

I’m very loyal in a relationship, all relationships. When I’m with my mother, I don’t look at other moms, “Wow. I wonder what her macaroni and cheese tastes like.” - Gary Shandling

My doctor told me to exercise. He said walking would get me into shape. I said, “Doc, I’ve already chosen a shape, and it’s round.” – Irv Gilman

I was watching the Indy 500, and I was thinking: if they left earlier, they wouldn’t have to go so fast. – Steven Wright

Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in. – Richard Jeni

I was so self-conscious that when I was a t a football game and the players went into a huddle I thought they were talking about me. – Jackie Mason

Cross-country skiing is great if you live in a small country. – Steven Wright

I used to compete in sports, and then I realized: you can buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything. – Demetri Martin

I know a guy who had his nose broken in two places. He ought to stay out of those places. – Henny Youngman

When my son was born I had his dream that one day he might grow up to be a Nobel Prize winner. But I also had another dream that he might grow up to say, “Do you want fries with that?” - Robin Williams

I was never an athletic kid. One year I played Little League baseball and my dad was the coach. Halfway through the season he traded me to another family. – David Corrado

I used to steal second base, and feel guilty and go back. – Woody Allen

I walked into a store and said, “It’s my wife’s birthday. I’d like to buy her a beautiful pen.” The clerk winked at me and said, “A little surprise, heh?” I said, “Yes, she’s expecting a Cadillac.” – Henny Youngman

I love boxing. Where else do two grown men prance around in satin underwear fighting over a belt? The one who wins gets a purse. They do it in gloves. It’s the accessory connection I love. – John McGivern

If at first you don’t succeed, stay away from skydiving. – Milton Berle

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it. – Steven Wright

Whenever I pick up a hitchhiker I say, “Put your seat belt on, I want to try something I saw in a cartoon. – Steven Wright

My father refused to spend money on me as a kid. One time I broke my arm playing football and my father tried to get a free X-ray by taking me down to the airport and making me lie down with the luggage. – Glenn Super

Last Halloween was bad for me. I got real beat up. I went to a party dressed as a piñata. – Jim Samuels

My wife and I took out life insurance policies on one another, so now it’s just a waiting game. – Bil Dwyer

I had a lazy eye as a kid, and it gradually spread to my whole body. – Tom Cotter

A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days. – Tim Allen

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. – Henny Youngman

I went to the airport. I had three pieces of luggage. I said, “I want this piece to go to Cleveland, this piece to go to Toronto, and this piece to Florida.” The airline agent said, “We can’t do that.” I replied, “Well, you did it last week.” – Henny Youngman

If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age. – George Burns

Personally, I’m against political jokes. Too often they get elected to office. – Henny Youngman

I have bad luck with women. A woman I was dating told me on the phone, “I have to go, there’s a telemarketer on the other line.” – Zach Galifianakis

At the Sharper Image store I saw a body fat analyzer. Didn’t that used to be called a mirror? – Jay Leno

Before my mother would give you that dime allowance, she’d want you to do a little chore around the house. Like build a porch. – Ray Romano

My mom was a little weird. When I was little, Mom would make chocolate frosting, and she’d let me lick the beaters. And then she’d turn them off. – Marty Cohen

I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. – Henny Youngman

My doctor told me to run five miles a day for two weeks. I called him up two weeks later and said, “Hey, Doc, I’m seventy miles from home!” – Rodney Dangerfield

A doctor said to his patient, “You’re going to live until you’re 80.” The patient replied, “I am 80.” The doctor said, “What’d I tell you?” – Henny Youngman

My allergist is great. He’s cured me of everything that’s not paying off. – Phyllis Diller

I just went for my annual physical and the doctor told me to take a stress test. So I called my mother. – Craig Sharf

I said to my mother-in-law, “My house is your house.” She sold it! – Henny Youngman

My mother-in-law is neurotic about my son. She told me to take him to the doctor because she said he wasn’t blinking enough. I was like, “Well, maybe he’s blinking when you’re blinking, and you’re missing it.” – Stephanie Blum

A nurse says to a doctor, “The man you just gave a clean bill of health dropped dead outside your office.” The doctor says, “Turn him around. Make it look like he’s coming in.” – Henny Youngman

Nineteen percent of doctors say that they’d be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments. – Jay Leno

I was in a club the other night. A woman actually asked me out. She said, “You: out!” – Steve Smith

My kid is mean. He Scotch-tapes worms to the sidewalk and watches the birds get hernias. – Rodney Dangerfield

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows. – Erma Bombeck

I hated my last boss. He asked, “Why are you two hours late?” I said, “I fell downstairs.” He said, “That doesn’t take two hours.” – Johnny Carson

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. – Phyllis Diller

I recently broke up with my tractor provider. I was scared to do it, so I just sent him a John Deere letter. – Myq Kaplan

I was in the ROTC program. I remember once I was walking through campus and my instructor grabs me, and he’s a real big guy, and yells, “It’s been six weeks since I’ve seen you in camouflage class!” I said, “I’m getting good.” – Emo Phillips

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. – George Carlin

Why do they call it a building? It looks like they’re finished. Why isn’t it a “built”? – Steven Wright

I have a large collection of globes. My oldest one is flat. My favorite was from the ice age, but it melted last summer. – Craig Sharf

It’s a good idea to shop round before you settle on a doctor. Ask about the condition of his Mercedes. Ask about the competence of his mechanic. Don’t be shy! After all, you’re paying for it. – Dave Barry

Just once I’d like to say to that doctor, “I’m not ready for you yet. Why don’t you go back in that little office and I’ll be with you in a moment.” – Jerry Seinfeld

I said, “Doc, my foot hurts. What’ll I do?” He said, “Limp.” – Henny Youngman

I turned down a date once because I was looking for someone a little closer to the top of the food chain. – Judy Tenuta

I told my girlfriend I was going for a walk. She said, “How long will you be gone?” I said, “The whole time.” – Steven Wright

I get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said, “Are you Louise?” She said, “Are you Rodney?” I said, “Yeah.” She said, “I’m not Louise.” – Rodney Dangerfield

If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I’ll let you have the pen. – Steven Wright

I high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, “We want Youngman! We want Youngman!” The coach said, “Youngman, go see what they want.” – Henny Youngman

I was pretty insecure as a child. When I was eight years old I asked my mother if I had been adopted. She said, “Yes, but they returned you.” – Ronnie Shakes

I went hunting for the first time. I shot an elk. I felt bad at first, but the guy was wearing a plaid leisure suit so he pretty much had it coming. – Brian Kiley

Camping is nature’s way of promoting the motel business. – Dave Barry

That hotel was a dump. They had a postcard and on the picture, the room wasn’t made up. – Rodney Dangerfield

If 95 percent of accidents happen in the home, where do homeless people go to have 95 percent of their accidents? – Strange de Jim

I told my mother-in-law to take a trip to the Thousand Islands. I told her, “Spend a week in each island!” – Henny Youngman

I call Mom on Mother’s Day, and every year it’s the same conversation. I say, “Hi, Mom, happy Mother’s Day. I love you.” And she says, “Who is this?” – David Letterman

What if my right hand doesn’t care what the left is doing? – Jason Love

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. – Steven Wright

I just bought a new house. I don’t want to brag, but it’s in a golf course community. A famous golf course you may have heard of: the Putt-Putt. It’s a beautiful place: My deck overlooks the 3rd, 4th, 7th, 12th and 15th fairways, the windmill, and the clown’s mouth. I’m living the dream. – Tony Deyo

I asked my ex-girlfriend, “Do you think we’ll get back together?” She said, “I think the chances are better of me putting super unleaded into a rented car.” – David Spade

The garage charged me $100 for towing my car for a mile. I got my money’s worth, though; I kept my brakes on. – Henny Youngman

What a car I have! In order to go over ten miles an hour I have to remove the license plates. The car just won’t pull that kind of a load. – Henny Youngman

In the fifth round I had my opponent worried. He thought he killed me. But in the sixth round I had him covered in blood—mine. – Henny Youngman

I couldn’t wait for success, so I went ahead without it. – Jonathan Winters

When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away? – George Carlin

The Clippers don’t have cheerleaders; they have a tem of grief counselors. – Jay Leno

I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the West. – Rodney Dangerfield

A fellow walked up to me and said, “Stick ‘em down!’ I said, “You mean stick ‘em up.” He said, “No wonder I haven’t made any money.” – Henny Youngman

A day without sunshine is like, you know…night. – Steve Martin

I was so ugly, my mother used to feed me with a slingshot. – Rodney Dangerfield

I’ve spent a fortune on my kids’ education and a fortune on their teeth. The difference is, they use their teeth. – Robert Orben

Do you think dyslexic people have difficulty dancing to “Y.M.C.A.”? – Dave Sokolowski

I’m currently dating a girl with no self-esteem, which is good, because if she had any, she’d leave me. – Devin Dugan

I joined a gym last year. They called me this morning to say my membership was about to expire, and asked if I’d like to renew. I said, “Yes, I would like to renew my gym membership. Could you tell me where you’re located?” – Michele Balan

I have a brother-in-law. I don’t want to say he’s dumb, but during the blackout in New York he was stuck on an escalator for six hours. – Henny Youngman

My father used to talk to me. He’d say, “Listen, stupid.” He always called me “Listen.” – Henny Youngman

My last relationship, I was always there for her and she dumped me. I said, “Remember when your grandma died? I was there. Remember when you flunked out of school? I was there. Remember when you lost your job? I was there!” She said, “I know, you’re bad luck.” – Tom Arnold

I was able to find my original birth certificate, but it took three guys to help me get it. Stone tablets are heavy. – Bob Hope

To give you an idea how difficult my wife can be, she bought me two ties for my birthday. To please her I wore one. She hollered, “What’s the matter, don’t you like the other one?” – Henny Youngman

You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there. – George Burns

They have a saying a pet prepares you for having children. I kept a fish alive for five months, so I guess I’m ready for kids. But I’d have to get a bigger tank. – Jayne Warren

I asked, “What’s this blended coffee?’ And the waiter said, “Yesterday’s and today’s.” – Phyllis Diller

You know you’re old when they’ve discontinued your blood type. – Phyllis Diller

I’m so old that when I order a 3-minute egg they make me pay up front. – Henny Youngman

A seventy-six-year-old woman just graduated from Florida State. You know what you usually call people who take sixty years to finish college? Linemen. – Jay Leno

A ninety-eight-year-old man has graduated from college. My advice to the guy is: Take a few years off, go travel and get your head together. – Craig Kilborn

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don’t need to be done. – Andy Rooney

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. – Steven Wright

In college, I majored in communications, but I never told anyone. – Robin Fairbanks

I just back from a pleasure trip. I drove my mother-in-law to the airport. – Henny Youngman

I’d lift weights, but they’re so darn heavy. – Jason Love

I used to be quite an athlete—big chest, hard stomach—but all that’s behind me now. – Bob Hope

The horse I bet on was so slow the jockey kept a diary of the trip. – Henny Youngman

With my wife I don’t get no respect. The other night she told me to take out the garbage. I told her I already took out the garbage. Then she told me to go out and keep and eye on it. – Rodney Dangerfield

I have a huge rottweiler at home. I don’t have any problems with intruders, but I also haven’t had any mail delivered in about a year and a half. – Peter Sasso

I take my wife everywhere, but she always finds her way home. – Henny Youngman

I went to my doctor with a sore foot. He said, “I’ll have you walking in an hour.” He did. He stole my car. – Henny Youngman

My kid is a born doctor. He can’t write anything anybody can read. – Henny Youngman

I told him, “Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me?” He said, “I don’t know, but your eyesight is perfect.” – Rodney Dangerfield

I said, “Doctor, it hurts when I do this.” He said, “Then don’t do that!” – Henny Youngman

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on? – George Carlin

It costs a lot of money to date. I took a girl out to dinner the other night. I said, “What’ll you have?” She said, “I guess I’ll have the steak and lobster.” I said, “Guess again.” – Skip Stephenson

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. – George Carlin

The upshot to dying is that you don’t have to go to work the next day. – Jason Love

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done lying down. – Woody Allen

My dad is a dentist. Four out of five dentists recommend sugarless gum to their patients who chew gum. Who is the fifth dentist? My old man. “Go ahead, chew all the sugar you want. You’ll pay for my yacht.” - Tom McGillen

I was listening to rap music this afternoon. Not that I had any choice; it was coming out of a Jeep four miles away. – Nick DiPaolo

Why do they say you’ve got to wait one hour after eating to go swimming? I fed my fish and they went swimming right after. – Richard Jeni

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. – Jimmy Durante

I bought a new toaster, which came with directions for making toast. My feeling is if you don’t instinctively know how to make toast, you have no business using electricity. You should just put your bread out on a rock and pray for a sunny day. – Eileen Budd

A convict who was going to die in the electric chair called his lawyer for some advice. The barrister replied, “Don’t sit down.” – Henny Youngman

How can you die of old age? – Steven Wright

I don’t like to take cabs because I don’t know how much to tip the cabdrivers. I just tip them until they don’t look mad anymore. – Paula Poundstone

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner. – Red Skelton

My dog is so dumb he has lumps all over his head from chasing parked cars. – Phyllis Diller

Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full. I say the glass is too big. – George Carlin